I’m gay

leave a comment »

This is not likely to come as a shock to you, Dear Readers.  Anyone who’s done even a cursory browse of my little brain dump – aka this here blarg – may have noticed the large number of posts about women.  Mostly of the “omg so hot” variety.

Let’s backtrack a little.  I’ve been off the grid, or at least MIA from this blog, for a while.  I went away for work to a place with spotty internet.  That is reason enough I guess.  I’m still away from my usual stomping ground, but able to get to Starbucks for free interwebs here and there.  By the by I adore my job.  Life is moving along well, more or less.

Back to the good stuff.

That I’m a woman who likes women  is not news to me either.  I’ve known something was different about me since I can remember (I’m approaching 25 now).  Even though I’m a confirmed girly-girl, playing husband in games of “house” came naturally to me.  My first kiss was with a girl.  Since my early teens I began telling my friends.  Last year I finally posted that I like women and men to my “interested in” on Faceblarg.  I slept with women here and there, but through this time all my relationships of any consequence where with men.  I can’t really say why this was.  On one hand I just didn’t meet many women I clicked with.  On another I think I didn’t necessarily look for it because it was so much easier with men.  Easier in the sense that people just assume I’m straight despite my job (manly)/hobbies (boxing)/gifts (just keep reading)/seasonal affinity for plaid shirts.  I don’t look or act gay, whatever that is (well, except when I do).  Men paid attention and I like male attention (something about not getting enough of it from my distant WASPy Dad).  I didn’t know at the time it was supposed to be any better than that.

This is not to say that when I told the men I told that I loved them that it wasn’t true.  I have a large capacity to love and my feelings towards people I hold dear run deep.   At times and with certain men I experienced sexual pleasure, but I didn’t realize at the time that how it made me feel in my mind during and after wasn’t supposed to feel so…off.

This year I had a relationship with a woman and experienced what it’s supposed to feel like.

I have 10,000 words on the tip of my tongue right now about how to describe what it was like, but I think for now that’s just for me.

We’re not together anymore, but I feel back to friends is quite possible.  I’ll always hold her in that special place reserved for people who’ve had the good kind of irrevocable impact on my life.

Where do I go from here?  Wrestling with identity I think is one of the more difficult internal struggles a person can experience.  I always had this idea that I had a strong sense of self, but now I make sense to myself in a really tangible way.  I’ve always called myself bisexual since I considered my sexuality at all, though I’ve always hated the term (it sounds undecided, when it’s anything but).  I think still in a very technical sense I should still hold onto that identity.  I don’t feel like I expressly dislike men.  I don’t think I’ll lose my appreciation for an attractive man or affinity for (limited and respectful) male attention.  Just don’t try to touch me, mkay?  I just feel that with women it feels right and in that respect I’m a lesbian.  I want to date women, have sex with women, build a house, start a family and get married to one.  We’ll just settle on that non-definition of rather gay, mkay?

Just because I’ve finally clued into to how much of a lesbian I am doesn’t mean I can’t continue to post about Eddie.  That wee bizarre obsession isn’t going anywhere.

Next stop on the “my life is surreal and bizarre right now” train: coming out to Mom and Dad.

This is going to go one of two ways.  1.  “Thanks for finally telling us.  We clued in when you asked for power tools for Christmas a few years back (yeah, really). Also, we creep your Facebook”.  2.  GTFO/screaming, tears and carrying on/guilt trip about everything from “you’re going to give your Granddaddy a heart attack” to “don’t you dare bring a woman to Christmas” to “what did we do wrooonnggg *tears*?!!!!??!!”

I don’t think I’ll feel right or completely honest until I tell my parents about who I am (the rest of the family probably know – we’re all friends on FB), but I think that little episode of family drama can wait until I settle into this a little more.

Next in the life of Erinoffduty: how on earth does a femme (in a kinda butch job in a sorta remote area) meet a compatible femme?




Written by erinoffduty

October 8, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: